Your Buddy is Marrying a Scumbag: Quick! What Do You Do?

[Station]

It may seem cruel, but voice your concerns openly now and be prepared to drop her if she flips out. The ensuing headache of maintaining a friendship after you've basically gotten a bad taste in your mouth for this person is much harder to deal with than the immediate drama. That will pass, the years of having to put up with her stupid decision and the surrounding consequences will not. I fealt bad dropping a friend a few weeks before I was supposed to be the best man at his wedding, but dude was a chronic dick and I needed out, that's life. It'll suck, but I think you already know what you have to do to get closure in this, don't put yourself through any more trouble.

[campy]

How many times have you met said fiance?
maybe he makes a bad first impression? How much real "facts" do you have to go on? How much of this is your projection of who this guy is? Does she have a history of picking the wrong men? Why don't you trust her instincts on this?

In my experience once a friend hooks up with a man I didn't like for whatever reason I dumped the friend. People will make their own mistakes. You can tell her your feelings but guaranteed it won't change a thing and you will be distancing yourself from her regardless.

[jacey.ATX]

Originally Posted by campy

How many times have you met said fiance?

Once. And Taylor and her boyfriend have met him once.

Originally Posted by campy

maybe he makes a bad first impression?

On me and on Taylor and her bf, yes. Apparently, some people find him charming. But to me, he might as well have had "CREEPER" tattooed on his forehead.

I get what you're saying, but people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. And this guy is evasive as fuck. And my friend is now being evasive as fuck, too, and that is very unlike her. I think that is the thing that is bothering me the most.

Originally Posted by campy

How much real "facts" do you have to go on?

Not much. Everything he says is vague. And I haven't been able to get Jordan alone to get any real answers out of her. But you're right, I don't have any hard proof that he sucks. All I have is a bad feeling and a lot of questions.

Originally Posted by campy

How much of this is your projection of who this guy is?

Well, that's a very astute question, Campy.

Here's the deal: There are a TON of unanswered questions about this guy. And I will admit that it's been difficult not to start filling in the blanks with my own assumptions. But I've been pretty careful to keep what I know about him/them separate from what I suspect. Also, I'm pretty self-aware, and I really don't think that my issues with him/them have much to do with my own stuff.

Additionally, you should know that I'm essentially a bottomless pit of empathy. It's part of what makes me good at my job. I can find a way to relate to just about anybody, and I give up on nobody. If I have a hard time giving someone the benefit of the doubt, that's a pretty big red flag.

Let me put it this way: 2 out of the 3 sex offenders I've worked with, I found less creepy than this guy.

Originally Posted by campy

Does she have a history of picking the wrong men?

Not necessarily the wrong men. Honestly, since we've been in different cities (and sometimes countries) for so long, I have only met 2 other guys that she's dated in the last 10 years, and each I only met one time. They were both nice enough guys. I liked them just fine. But what I will say about her is that she has a history of picking a lot of men. Every few years, it seems she's thinking about marrying some guy, and I'm always trying to catch up and figure out whether or not it's the same guy she was talking about last year.

Originally Posted by campy

Why don't you trust her instincts on this?

Because it's so fast. Because she seems so deliriously happy (keyword: delirious) and she's only talked about her strong feelings and not really answered any questions about reality. Because other friends and family have also expressed concern, and we all reached our conclusions independently.

Originally Posted by campy

In my experience once a friend hooks up with a man I didn't like for whatever reason I dumped the friend.

Seriously? Campy, I think you're awesome. And in a lot of ways, I get it. She's decided this is who she's building her life with (puke), and I can't stand him, so I get how maybe I don't really fit into her life anymore. It's why I put the last option on the quiz for this thread. But at the same time, that seems sort of... I dunno... antithetical to what I thought it meant to be a real friend in the first place. Aren't you supposed to stick by your friends, even when they do stupid shit? Or is that rule just for people under the age of, let's say, 23?

Originally Posted by campy

People will make their own mistakes. You can tell her your feelings but guaranteed it won't change a thing and you will be distancing yourself from her regardless.

Well, we've been texting a little since she got mad at me last week. And she called me this afternoon and asked if I wanted to go for a beer after work tomorrow, so I suppose we'll see...


Thanks for the input, Campy. I'll let you know what happens!

[campy]

Good luck Jacey.
I have been on both ends of it where I've had friends who haven't really liked my current man (he's an honest good man but can come across as standoffish at first and that can put people off). I don't need friends like that who don't trust my choices. I had made mistakes in the past, I learned from them I choose a man nothing like them. BUT I have also had friends go with men I HATED. I didn't want to be around him so I had to cut her free. I know it sounds harsh but life is too short to hang around people I don't like just because I happened to have known the friend for 10 years. It was a good run but time to move on.

Now, if said friend was one of my brothers and a skanky woman they brought into their lives I'd be all about letting them know how I feel. I would stick by them and their family. I would try to be nice to her for my brothers sake. I would NOT say I told you so when it would eventually fall apart but just propped him up with moral support.


So, if Jordan is like a sister to you then you HAVE to support her anyway you can I would think. BUT if she isn't, let her make her own choices, good or bad. If you want to be around to pick up the pieces then fine otherwise...carry on.

So keep us posted!

[EthanK]

Look at the bright side, at least you know she's a bitch going into the whole thing, rather than a faux cool girl with backhanded bitchy tendencies that creep up and grow exponentially.

[jacey.ATX]

Originally Posted by EthanK

Look at the bright side, at least you know she's a bitch going into the whole thing, rather than a faux cool girl with backhanded bitchy tendencies that creep up and grow exponentially.

Heh?