help me navigate this

[Lanfear]

From what you describe about his work choices and reactions to you it sounds like your father is very much concerned with safety on all fronts: monetary / health / lifestyle / religion

Talking to him about money is probably not really what you envision in a close father/daughter bond but it may be a good start. Not the actual "here are my bank statements" but show him that you have a plan for your life - your continuous eductation, your work on different projects, being entrepreneurial - all this leads to something and your flexibility and broader skillset makes you very "employable". Plus you have a loving partner by your side. He needs to understand that his little girl won't starve ;-)

Once that is sinking in (and if he is anything like my dad he will never stop worrying) you can start to let him in to parts of your (and I love this phrase) magicwonderweird life. Start small and focus on how the things you do make you happy and are not silly ideas of a bored child but essential to your life as a fullfilled and well rounded adult. Which parts you start to disclose first and what parts you may never share with him obviously only you can judge. Or do you think your mom could help with that?

[Sparrow]

thanks for the verbiage, lan. i'm not wandering aimlessly in an art cloud; i have direction and attainable goals. my dad's family is talented; they were a traveling family gospel band in the 70's and each one sings and plays a handful of instruments. his brother--who he lost not too long ago--unsuccessfully pursued his music into adulthood to the detriment of his general well being and that of his giant family. there's a thing Colonel Bruce says about music, "if you don't have to do it, don't" that really kicks up the 'i want better for my kids' thing for dad. especially when what i do will sometimes involve absurdity, artistic experimentation, and the occasional kooky installation. singing would've been an easier pill to swallow.

[Lanfear]

I'm not saying you don't have a clear plan - I actually think yours might be more structured than mine - just speculating your dad might not understand what to make of it. Especially if you haven't been directly talking about it much yet, getting the info from your mom might mean stuff gets lost in translation?

Daddies worry - mine does ;-)

[Sparrow]

Originally Posted by Lanfear

just speculating your dad might not understand what to make of it.

aye. i'm not super great at articulating my braincloud in ways people can clearly understand especially since it's evolving, which is awfully exciting for me, but sometimes ends in my vomiting a glittering nuclear fireball onto the table.

[sex_n_diamonds]

As I am overfilled with my own daddy issues, I can't offer much advice but I can offer support.

It's amazing that your father loves and cares for your enough to even want to get to know you. Guide him through your life little by little. It might be hard to swallow all at once, but with time, he will love Bird as much as he loves Sara.

Best of luck to you both, darling.

xo

[campy]

Hey Sparrow...

I say, keep it simple. Tell your dad what he wants to hear and sprinkle in the things you know he can take. Leave out the stuff that would just rock his world. He wants to know the daughter, the bird, but the Sara too. My dad is very close to us, he is super duper close to my son. Does he know the real Sarah (I'm a Sara too :-) No, he knows the watered down me because he certainly can't handle the adult me. It's just fine. Keeps him in my life, keeps that judgy side that he has out of my face and we are all happy.

My mom knows way more but even then, I try not to burden her with too much of the detail.

My rule of thumb is, I steer clear of topics about myself that I would NEVER want to know about them.

If you hit on a topic that you feel he must know about you if he is going to know the real Bird but him knowing this will , most definitely, bring out that judgy side well that's the risk he takes getting to know the real you. I think benefit of the doubt and a little faith are in order. My guess is he might not be as shocked or disappointed as you fear he might be. He's reaching out...he's open. Don't bombard him but give him the most important points.

Good luck darling!

[DWarrior]

I think I learned from dealing with my own parents that neural pathways get pretty much set after a certain age, and people become incapable of comprehending certain things that are drastically different from their everyday experiences.

So I end up taking the less extreme version of Chemda and just shaping my relationship with my parents in a way that's mutually positive, without expecting full understanding. That's easier for me now because I'm pursuing a stereotypically successful office career that they can easily project their hopes and dreams onto, and we can share an understanding that way. It's a lot harder when you have a nonstandard career and you don't want to lie. I guess ultimately it's a balance between feeling understood and having a happy relationship, having both is harrred and likely not possible in every parent-child situation.

This probably sounds like incoherent babble, but I'm just throwing it out there to see if my world view makes sense to people who are actual adults. 10010

[Enunciated Piffle]

Originally Posted by Sparrow

my mother and i are close and i'm guessing she's had something to do with this recent outreach.

Hmm. I hate to be negative, Sparrow, but this Father/Daughter reunion does not sound ideal. Keep expectations low, realize that he is an old man set in his ways, and understand that you will be doing the majority of the leg work. Don't invest yourself unless you are truly wanting to. Hell, you're a grown woman. You don't need the bullshit! This being said, here's an idea: 1) Find a thing you both like to do. 2) Set a schedule (meet once or twice a month) and make it a regular thing.
The biggest problem with telling a parent, (that never was a parent) to be a parent - is that THAT will probably be exactly what you get. An old confused person with regret, who possibly thinks the whole reason you want them back into your life is for advice. Advice from an old conservative mind-set that is totally foreign to you...
Be happy with a solid relationship with Mom. Many of us never knew our parents, at all. Be thankful with what ya got. Be wary of what ya wish for. All the best. ~J

[John Galt]

I've dealt with this sort of thing myself, and had some pretty involved conversations with friends going through a similar journey. The first thing I would suggest is that you recognize that it is likely to be a journey, not a single reunion event. The second thing would be to call somebody and talk it out. I'll volunteer, pm me for my number.

[Sparrow]

thanks john; will do.

Originally Posted by Enunciated Piffle

Hmm. I hate to be negative, Sparrow, but this Father/Daughter reunion does not sound ideal. Keep expectations low, realize that he is an old man set in his ways, and understand that you will be doing the majority of the leg work. Don't invest yourself unless you are truly wanting to. Hell, you're a grown woman. You don't need the bullshit! This being said, here's an idea: 1) Find a thing you both like to do. 2) Set a schedule (meet once or twice a month) and make it a regular thing.
The biggest problem with telling a parent, (that never was a parent) to be a parent - is that THAT will probably be exactly what you get. An old confused person with regret, who possibly thinks the whole reason you want them back into your life is for advice. Advice from an old conservative mind-set that is totally foreign to you...
Be happy with a solid relationship with Mom. Many of us never knew our parents, at all. Be thankful with what ya got. Be wary of what ya wish for. All the best. ~J

I'm invested because the bottom line is he is a good man, he loves me, and it causes him pain to have lost track of his only daughter having done so working a job he hates, but can't quit because it keeps the roof and food. That parts gets me right in the ticker. He'll not be able to retire until his body gives. He deserves better than to've missed out on a life giving one to the rest of us.