Intro to Parenting

[Scumhook]

Originally Posted by J. Canines

Campy. Calm down.

In my experience, this is always a great thing to say to a woman.

[scotticus]

By the sounds of things, you parents need to learn how to pull out and bust ON a belly. Feels way better than paying for college.

#banPiffle

[astrokahn]

In response to Campy (should you encourage single moms to date?) -- I don't know, it's such a personal thing. I learned the hard way (after constantly beating myself up every time a relationship failed, thinking I was ruining my daughter's sense of what might possibly be normal- as if normal is a real thing) that after you have a kid you're still an actual human being with actual desires and emotional needs.

I think that there's this enormous belief that people should be faultless heroes once they have a kid and at some point you have to go, yeah I'm trying my best but god damn I am still that person, albeit hopefully a little wiser; kids force experience onto you and patience into you.

My friends judged the HOLY SHIT out of me every time I dated a new person. It was really hard. I had one (childless) friend who called me out because she saw me at a bar when my daughter was 3 mos old (the FIRST time I'd had a damn drink or been out since I got pregnant.) Another one (also childless) lectured me on the order of my priorities because I threw a party when my daughter was two. Mind you, I worked a full time job and had no emotional or financial support whatsoever. I was a full-on basket case for the first few years, not sleeping ever (she never fn slept), working at night so I could spend time with her during the day. I did date and as per the usual, I didn't choose people who were the best for me and so those relationships ended. I dated someone new every few years, which I don't think is a lot, but the guilt of having your kid attach and detach, or your boyfriend attach and detach, that's what makes it really hard. And in the end, it's all your fault.

I doubt your encouragement would change much for your single mom friends anyway bc if she's steadfastly against it, then she's just not ready to date, and who cares really? I harbor a lot of guilt about the times I spent wishing I was with my boyfriend instead of my kid. That feels like shit to think about, but I have to remind myself, I'm a human being and kids are boring. Seriously though, being single (not dating at all) and also being a parent at the same time provides this extremely sharp double edged sword- one side is the opportunity to bond with your kid bc you don't have the distraction of another person, the other side is that you are an adult hanging around a non-adult all. the. time. Which as a person with kids, you can understand how that makes one crazy.

So was it worth it for me to date during single parenting? I think so. I also agree with you that kids should see that dating is normal. I also initiated most of the breakups because I knew those people weren't for me in the end, and it was important for me and because of my family history that I teach her that it's ok to leave and search out something better if the relationship you are in makes you miserable. I cannot imagine that having to see men she was close to walk away (or be sent away) didn't cause some long term issues that are yet to be seen, but what was the alternative? I could've stayed alone and been unhappy. Not to say I wouldn't have gotten used to it, but I know myself, and I am happier when I have affection and touch (and sex) in my life. I have had experiences of falling in love and during those times I find I'm a more uplifting, emotionally present and happier mother. Also, the interactions and relationships formed in those years took me through this path I wouldn't have otherwise embarked on, and where we are right now feels pretty good. So who's to say?

Canines, I hear you, I stay away from single dads. Not because of parenting differences, and I think I know what you mean about single mom parenting styles. Usually single moms have psycho fucked up kids because they let them walk all over them. All the single moms I know are like that- probably because it's easier to let your kid go rogue than to fight all the damn time. Men tend to be better at that bc they're just fn scary.

I tend to stay away from single dads simply because I don't want to deal with more kids. I had one and it was so fn hard that I never want to do it again. I think when I'm a bit older I won't care because the guys I date who might have kids will be old enough that they'd probably be in college or out of the house (I'm 36.) And btw funny- I am a liberal gal raising a conservative kid lol.

As for the vibe- (ah jeez) I don't remember exactly what we talked about, I think during that year I had actually visited a porn shop for the first time in my life (I know, I was considerably late in the game)- so it was fresh on my mind. I think that conversation ended with her question (they have stores that sell that stuff?) and me saying something like... "and lots of other stuff too"... when you have to answer these questions kids tend to pause for a lonnnnng time while you can see things trying to click in their head, like you just opened this whole jar of wtf.

[J. Canines]

Originally Posted by astrokahn

I harbor a lot of guilt about the times I spent wishing I was with my boyfriend instead of my kid. That feels like shit to think about, but I have to remind myself, I'm a human being and kids are boring.

Nice! I think all single parents think this at some point.

I spent years resenting my child for playing a role in my being stuck in Montana. For years I had traveled. Taken all the drugs I wanted. Seen all the live shows I wanted. Rage Against the Machine in Detroit. Widespread Panic in Atlanta. Radiohead at Red Rocks in Colorado. Trips to Seattle and Austin and Vancouver.

At some point you have to cozy up with the 18 year commitment you've made. My daughters 12. When she graduates high school I look forward to helping her enroll in college, give her a high 5 in front of her dorms and then I am outta here. Off to Europe maybe.

I'll be 41 years old. My whole life in front of me. LOL

[J. Canines]

Originally Posted by astrokahn

Usually single moms have psycho fucked up kids because they let them walk all over them.

Yeah. What's up with this?? My daughter is damn near perfect around me, but totally different around her mom. Like, we went to my daughter's moms work, (she works at a clothing store) to get a new bathing suit. All of a sudden, I'm hearing her argue with her mom from the changing room.

Her mom comes out and is like "See how YOUR daughter treats me??" I love how when your kid misbehaves; it's always the other parents child btw. If you're late dropping the kid off it's always where is MY daughter?? lol
I'm like shocked. I say she never acts this way. Is she mean at your house? "She makes me cry. She yells at me and slams the door." I remember hating my ex years ago for the breakup. Now I feel sorry for her.

Do kids just assume Mom is always going to be there and treat them however? I feel like single moms carry a lot of guilt over being single. They transfer this 'my kid treats me however they want' as like a single parent reparations or something.

What do you guys think?

[astrokahn]

Originally Posted by J. Canines

Do kids just assume Mom is always going to be there and treat them however? I feel like single moms carry a lot of guilt over being single. They transfer this 'my kid treats me however they want' as like a single parent reparations or something.

It's a weird evolution of being guilty, tired and not wanting to fight. Typically I think this happens with moms because typically moms have most of the custody. Also, having one parent allows the kid to have the assumption of half the say in everything. There's nobody to back up anything.

[Fiona_In_Ireland]

I only read the first post Piffle cos I'm a lazy bitch .....but i agree! Most kids are spoilt little brats and luckily for me my daughter is very well mannered and so are her best friends .....but some others in her class etc. are little ungrateful shits!

[Scumhook]

Originally Posted by Fiona_In_Ireland

I only read the first post Piffle cos I'm a lazy bitch .....but i agree! Most kids are spoilt little brats and luckily for me my daughter is very well mannered and so are her best friends .....but some others in her class etc. are little ungrateful shits!

On behalf of the lads of the future (and me, if your kid needs to work out daddy issues when she's 18), I hope mini-fi inherits your rack.

[Fiona_In_Ireland]

Originally Posted by Scumhook

On behalf of the lads of the future (and me, if your kid needs to work out daddy issues when she's 18), I hope mini-fi inherits your rack.

you charmer lol

[J. Canines]

Hey. I wanted to start a new thread but realize I've already posted too much.

Anyways. I'd like to hear from single moms here, (I realize haters and even my hetero-life mate Scum-strischle-poly-post-go-fuck-yer-self-man-apolous - the third) will feel motivated to post regardless, but I digress.

I recently met this really cool punk rock chick, (in multiple bands) at a local hipster coffee shop and then later at a dive bar. We clicked. We walked dogs. We made plans to go on an art walk.

Next thing I know. She's totally done with me. It felt like everything was kosher and then: nothing.

As a single dad, I don't know what to do. She's younger and doesn't have kids. I think my 12 yr old freaked her out.

SO here's the question. Should a single dad divulge his having a kid right from the get? Do single moms ever feel doomed in dating? My child has a great mom and I'm not looking to replace that. How do I convey this??

Any legit answers are appreciated. Also, ones that make me laugh. Cheers.