Show Notes and Pictures

Show Notes

• It's That Time Of The Year: I might be an adult, but I have no idea how to avoid or handle a hangover!!!
• VP: For three days after the marathon I would just fall asleep anywhere I was
• Jeremy Womp Womp: Yeah I won, but I didn't even want to win, I hate my life
• Keep On Rocking In The Free World: No one gives a shit about Neil Young, where's Pearl Jam?
• ABUUUUH: Mr. Scooter the Funny has to act like a retard all night, which would be good cause I would challenge that all day long
• Your Moral Standing: Rosemary's Baby is an excellent movie, who cares if a convicted child rapist made it?
• Beating And Kidnapping: Scientologists beat and kidnap children. Do other religions do that? Oh, they do? No Scientology show then!
• Titanic-Sized Problems: Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet split up. Kate was bored, just like his boring movies, the relationship hit an iceberg
• Tipping The World: A 604 pound woman's fantasy is to weight 1000 pounds, you need the jaws of life to find this lady's pussy
• Shoot The Freak: A bearded lady, a Mexican and a midget that stepped on glass, this is just rude

Show Notes

• Punch Her In The Cunt: What Do We Do Now? is on it's second printing after just a week of being on sale
• Mat And Danni Have Sex: We did an interview with another couple. I think it broke them up.
• Mood Lipstick: A new woman's lipstick turns red when she is aroused, now rapist know when you're asking for it
• Fake Cigarettes: I'd rather you lit a real one because that thing is fucking stupid
• Moral Support: I don't think I've ever seen Big Jim be funny, but good luck to him
• Keith Wins: Poker is no longer homosexuals as I had previous reported because I got first place
• Respect Your Elders: An 83-year-old gave a 99-year-old an old fashioned whooping with a steering wheel lock
• MTV Italy: Jersey Shore will air in English with Italian subtitles, but they know what Guido means so it'll be fine
• Time Capsule: Someone stole booze from a time capsule, meanwhile you can still get booze 25 years later
• The Iditarod: They're banning pot in this sled dog competition because it makes Lance Mackey stronger
• Irreplaceable: Spencer Pratt was fired from The Hills for not looking vacant enough
• True Hate: Of course Dan tells long boring stories, of course Ray is retarded, these are facts
• The Stand-Off: We are equally funny, but if I lose I am less likely to kill myself than Pat Dixon

Show Notes

• Asian Fusion: Apple pie for dessert?! Only in New York
• Transhumanism: It's like downloading your brain into a hard drive so you can live forever
• Smoker's Stench: We invited Faceboy to walk with us, but he started smoking, so I put Chemda between us
• Your Roots: I think my father tried to be a priest, but who knows, I could just ask him, but I'm not going to
• Your Religion: You'll always be Jewish, you cannot escape. A war might come some day, and we'll need you.
• Dirty Jokes: My mom hates most of my material but she is very very supportive of my anal sex jokes
• Religion And Politics: Whenever I would get in trouble for quitting sports, I would bring up how my dad quit the priesthood
• Relatable Monks: I don't have ninjas watching over me while I watch a brook make noise
• Speaking In Tongues: I have an aunt who's been having fainting spells in Church from the Power of God
• Close-Minded: Dumb people don't get into religion, religion makes people dumb
• Honest Living: You ate at Eat n' Park park, you worked at Eat n' Park, you die the manager of Eat n' Park
• Family Honor: My grandparents handed out fliers at church to see me tell jokes about my girlfriend's vagina. They were kicked out of the church they were part of for 30 years.
• Night Calls: They had me do stand-up while two girls were eating each other out
• I Demand A Recount: Chemda only likes retards and funny voices. She hates smart people
• The Waldorf Astoria: Jeremy won the $200 brunch buffet, now he's got to find a date, womp womp
• Public Laughter: Don't laugh outside, the wind carries things and the neighbors might hear you
• Banned From KATG: Ex-Intern Mike banned me on Twitter and then wanted to open for me at my stand-up show
• The Oscars: Rough year for films, all these movies are boring. If I say I hate Precious, then I am pro-abuse.
• How To Never Look Fat Again: Over 1,000 ways to dress thinner without dieting
• Fight Back: 88% of people said 'defend yourself when you get mushed with a water bottle'
• A Fuck-Up To Follow: Mike Tyson is going to be on Animal Planet with his birds
• Mission Impossible: Peter Graves is dead at 100 million years old, he was in Airplane!

Show Notes

• Desensitized: It's a sign of the times that somebody cut off someone's head and we only talked about it for 90 seconds
• What Do We Do Now?: I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard on some funny, written shit
• Fighting Words: I can't punch someone in the face if they hit me in the head with a water bottle?
• Amazing: All the dishes are done. I don't think anyone has worked harder than me, ever.
• Party Animals: I am not crying over cracked glass, but rather the disrespect
• Senators Come Out: After they make all these anti-gay laws, they eat asshole
• Stand-Up Submission: Journalism is a joke in itself, no it's not; I can't lose to a retard; Farting in the shower; Helmet Baby; Cat's rap each other; Samantha Jones; Jeremy is not funny; Retards dranking

Show Notes

• Spring Cleaning: It's been over a week and we still haven't finished cleaning after the 76-Hour Marathon
• Something Rotten: Beer makes such a disgusting mold, that's what's making you dizzy when you drink
• Fruit Truck: If someone could just chop me fruit everyday, I'd know I made it
• Animals In Your House: Someone cracked a cup and put it back! The betrayal! I could be dead!
• Fix Your Life: My wife wears pajamas from the don't-fuck-me aisle at Target, now I say how I feel and get laid
• Radio Tour: Everybody wants to know how to talk to crying girls? Oh right, we told them to ask that...
• Snubbed: Farrah Fawcett was not honored at the Oscars, husband Ryan O'Neal demands satisfaction
• The Brat Pack: Let's all clap and not hire you
• Corey On Corey: People need to stop saying it's a drug overdose since nobody knows. Could have been anything.
• Bitch House On The Prairie: Remember the candy store bitches? That bitch wife and that bitch daughter. The husband was always apologizing for a house of bitches.
• Snowball War: If there's one snowball thrown then a cop should shoot everyone in town
• Turn Off Your Phone: A man was stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer after asking a woman to turn off her cellphone during Shutter Island
• Everything 3-D: We don't need everything in 3-D, we want it to be special
• 3 Million Dollars: Some Hispanic was being made fun of for having an ugly stomach so he was awarded $3,000,000
• Civil Suit: Richard Belzer put his hands on some lady's shoulders and she lost her shit
• Fish Face, Skanky Cake: One of these E-Trade babies is making fun of milkaholic Lindsay Lohan
• Tainted Teats: Some Chef is allowing customers to eat cheese made from his wife's breast milk

Show Notes

• The Smartest Fans: I think there is something wrong with your book cover. It looks like a dirty chalk board.
• Answers From The Smart Girl: We woke up at 6 in the morning. Please get the name of the book right.
• Cult Following: I needed this ten dollars to feed my new baby, I bought the book anyway
• Second Place: You're competing with your girlfriend. Are you rooting for her? How much of the way?
• April 15th: It takes more than eight minutes to write eight minutes of stand-up
• Spring Or Something: I went to take out the trash and it looks like something is going on outside
• It's A Tie: If you took all the Jesse people to one side of the room, and all the Pat people on the other side, you'd know which is which just by looking
• Where's The Punchline?: You're retarded, you're not funny, you're boring. Truth in comedy.
• Stand-Up Submissions: Angie's vagina age; Big Jim's genital wart
• 2 Fast 2 Precious: We bought all our faces, but none of us bought Precious', because she's toooo beautiful
• The Two Coreys: Even in your scripted fights, you still all actually hate each other
• Exploitation: The doctors could not believe Corey Haim was taking 85 pills a day, and that was just the Valium
• The Oscars: It's criminal how boring and self-indulgent these shows are
• Snowballing: Four Bronx buddies are arrested for throwing a snowball at a police officer. Can you believe it?!
• Head Hunters: A German man, whose wife was beheaded, demands his wife's head back

Show Notes

• March 7, 2005: KATG turn 5 years young
• What Do We Do Now?: This is the funniest book I've ever read, and I've read the bible!
• The 76-Hour MVP: Kyle was here the whole weekend. Did he shower at all? 'Cause it smelled like balls up here.
• The Ruby Dragon: I bet I can guess your dragon name since I'm a Silver Dragon
• We Shat On DJ Quad: I asked, is it true that DJ Quad sabotaged my website? And the Platinum Dragon said, Yes.
• Peyton vs. Keith: Any time Peyton gets drunk he believes that I had him on the show to pick on him
• Bummer: Before the weekend Jeremy declares he already has nothing to do. Well, you have the internet, Adult. Find something.
• Shutter Island: I guessed the ending, I bet Leonardo DiCaprio is a crazy person and it's all in his head, and I was right
• Brooklyn's Finest: The movie is a slap in the face to real cops, I want to see a movie about cops at Dunkin' Donuts
• Oscar Sweeps: The Hurt Locker, I guess people like it, I was really bored
• Pull Back City: Sandra Bullock wins because she is in a movie that helps black people
• Harlem's Chuck E. Cheese: A certain race loves shooting the fuck out of arcades
• Schmear Campaign: Smoked salmon is no longer Kosher, but Jews need their lox, so oh well
• Roasting Comedians: These comedians take everything to heart
• Respect Horrors: Keith didn't win an Oscar for She's Crushed? It's not eligible until 2011, relax.
• Blue Balls: It can cause such a hormone imbalance that it can make you delirious

Show Notes

• No Sleep Til Brooklyn: The more I talk to everyone it sounds like a party, the more I talk to Keith 75 hours sounds like womp womp
• Dad, What Do We Do Now?: Yeah, things are going good Dad, we're having a marathon for our new book...ing... of guests!
• Ian Is A Dick: Why don't you listen to the entire submissions! You're shitting all over something I know sucks, but still!
• Point Break: Chile's Earthquake was a thousand times worse than Haiti, but Hawaii gets the ultimate waves. Surf's up!
• The Trainer's Fault: They're keeping the serial killer whale, it's fine, accidents happen, watch it jump through a hoop!
• Insincere Tiger: We don't have a right to know your business, but it still pisses us off when you don't tell us your business!
• History Repeats: A German bank robber robs the same bank twice in two days
• Zombie Rights: Zombies have a right to freedom of speech, judges are trying to be cute these days
• Plan Your Tattoo: You'd think permanent body art would involve some thought? Nope. Turn that 5 into a 6!
• Your Nightstand: I want to marry my girlfriend, but she was already divorced. Well when worse comes to worst, she'll already know how to do the paperwork
• I Just Kinda Came: What percent of your orgasm is Myq? And what percent of it is you?
• Poor Gambling: Myq is too logical to gamble
• What's Doing With Your Sex Life?: Look at us, aren't we the perfect match, can you believe we have sex every few days?
• Gambling Problems: It doesn't matter if they let you cheat. Bring Cliff's Notes. You'll still fail.
• Punish Yourself: If you do something wrong and you know what you're punishment is, then you take the initiative and beat yourself
• Your Foxhole: I was all I can be in the Army through Area Beautification
• Doing Shrooms: I was on top of a building and I thought I could walk to the other building across the street
• Self-Medicating: My hand writing is exceptional when I smoke pot, maybe I'm autistic
• Shannon Look-A-Likes: Your Parker Poser, you can impose your thoughts on someone's meal
• Enlightened: Buddhism seemed rational, then I did mushrooms and it made even MORE sense. We ARE all the same.
• Bouncing Off The Walls: Myka will look in the mirror and say, Sober yourself up, Myka! They can all see you! She says this as they can still all see her.

Show Notes

• Everyone's A Wrestler: I can't get over the Edge won the Royal Rumble, he was supposed to be injured!
• Recycling: I wrote the prayer on the back of an old version of our book, I won't feed The Waste Monster
• The Good Life: It's expensive to eat healthy, I've tried everything short of diet and exercise
• Feed The Pig: Keith never buys coffee, but he does get haircuts once a month, he is posh
• Place Your Bets: I feel so bad that Keith was so retarded that he took my bet
• KATG Bingo: Jesse turned into a church lady, he'd get mad at Haylie when she wouldn't concentrate on her BINGO card
• Canadian Patriots: How do Canadians do in the special Olympics? They do the best it just so happens.
• Save The Whales: It's the first killer whale that didn't underachieve You're not supposed to make something that kills jump through hoops
• Poor Boner: Stabone's body was found dead after having killed himself, God needed a Boner
• In Charlie Sheen News: His harem of crazy bitch ex-wives are going to testify against him
• Roseanne's Beckys: I guess I couldn't understand how the dad really wanted to fuck Roseanne
• Stress Test: You're an older guy, so they put you on a treadmill and tried to induce a heart attack
• Half Men: Jon Cryer's wife is trying to kill him, imagine the women advice the fat little kid is getting from his co-hosts
• Lover's Nut: She was a 27-year-old virgin waiting for the right guy at the right moment, your pussy is not that special
• Stand-Up Submissions: Josh submits 800 times, but he sounds like a robot so none of it matters anyway; Muff with butt; Mom's tits; Smear the Queer; Internet Fishing; Jelly Fish Rape each other; Lonely Goldfish; Mr. Scooter The Funny returns